guidelines for managing child behavior
NOT EVERYTHING REQUIRES AN INTERVENTION
There are few things worse than being unable to help someone who needs it. This is especially true if you are a parent and your child is having a disruptive behavior problem. It is hard to imagine taking your child to the mall or to a store and having them have a major meltdown right in front of everyone. That type of situation is not only embarrassing, it is stressful and can give you a profound sense of helplessness.
In creating this site, my goal is simply to share what I’ve learned to see if it helps others. I know when our son first starting having outbursts, it was devastating. And even worse, he is a good kid otherwise. I know I’m biased, but it is true. He’s cute, sweet, and follows instructions 95% of the time. The problem is that 5% of the time when he has a problem seems to overshadow everything else. He can be perfect for six hours, but a three-minute meltdown seems to call into question everything. If I can only make one point and one point only it is simply this: Just because your child may have problems doesn’t mean he or she IS THE PROBLEM.
What’s funny about this whole thing is that our society seems to have a very high tolerance for adults who have all kinds of social problems and who are simply blown off. But if a child ignores you or doesn’t make eye contact or respond when you say something, then they are automatically deemed an autistic spectrum child, and that is simply wrong, especially with children who are quite apt to live up to any label placed upon them. Your child might have problems, but I can assure you that their strengths outweigh any perceived deficits. A diagnosis of autism, Asperger’s disorder, or pervasive development disorder doesn’t mean anything. It is simply an imprecise label aimed at making people feel like they understand something they really don’t. Truth be told, no one knows what causes these problems. There is only speculation at this point.
I make this point because children who have problems are also children, so it is nearly impossible to know when something IS actually a symptom and something is simply a kid being a kid. For instance, if a child is staring off into space or inattentive, how could anyone know if that were a symptom or that was simply a kid staring off into space? As Freud once said, “A cigar is sometimes just a cigar.” Not everything is necessarily a symptom and everything does not necessarily require an intervention. But if a child is labeled, then we run the risk that that is exactly what will happen. Every behavior, no matter how innocent, is likely to be viewed as a symptom requiring an intervention. Not only is that not true, it is wrong.
This is not to say that children don’t have behaviors that are not acceptable and don’t need correcting; it is simply to say that we should not label or pathologize children. We don’t do that for adults and we shouldn’t do it for children. For instance, I once worked with this lady and saw her in a grocery store. It was late at night and I was surprised to see her. As I walked by, I said, “Hi” and she just ignored me like I wasn’t there. I thought she didn’t recognize me so I went back, got right in her face, and said, “Hi.” And she said, “Oh, I don’t say ‘Hi’ in public.” And at first, I thought she was a jerk, but then just wrote it off and didn’t think any more about it. However, if I were a school teacher and observed the same behavior in a child, I would probably be consulting with the school administrator and recommending a psychological evaluation. If adults can be quirky and aloof, why can’t children? There shouldn’t be a double standard, but somehow there is. I know early intervention is important. I’m not saying that. I’m only saying not to make EVERYTHING a PATHOLOGY needing an INTERVENTION.
Now to the topic at hand.
DEALING WITH DISRUPTIVE BEHAVIOR
The goal of dealing with any behavioral problem is to redirect in a more appropriate mode of expression. There is no one-size-fits-all approach, but there are general guidelines that are helpful. Let me start by working through a case example, then discussing the theory behind it.
We had an issue with our son putting things in his mouth. It didn’t seem to matter what it was. He would put books, toys, and just about anything in his mouth. At first, we thought this was just an issue with teething, but then it lasted far beyond that. My wife and I disagreed on how to handle it. She believed the best way to deal with it was by ignoring it and believed that by ignoring it, it would dissipate on its own, but it didn’t.
We went back and forth for weeks on how to manage it.
Finally she agreed to try my approach, which simply is this:
REDIRECT IT TO A MORE APPROPRIATE, LIMITED EXPRESSION.
This is how it worked.
I gathered all the items I could that were appropriate for him to put in his mouth. This included a toothbrush, a plastic spoon, straws, cups, and a plastic chewy. All these items were placed on the couch. Whenever I saw him putting other things in his mouth, I would simply direct him to the couch and tell him he could put any of the above items in his mouth. He would then jump on the couch and gnaw away to his heart’s content. He was consistently redirected this way for about 7-10 days. In two weeks, the behavior ceased completely. Hurray!
WHY DID THIS WORK?
Honestly, I can’t say, but I have some ideas.
First, it is a well-established principle that if a behavior is denied expression, it will manifest itself in another way. It is like shutting off a vent in an air-conditioning system. You can shut the vent, but the air pressure will build elsewhere in the system and find another opening somewhere else. There is an exception to this I will discuss later, but in general, it is best to not shut down a behavior unless you are offering an alternative mode of expression.
Second, if someone is doing a behavior to spite or manipulate you, giving permission for its controlled expression will often extinguish the behavior. Let me give you an example of this that I think is sheer brilliance. At a mall I used to visit, they had a problem with graffiti on the bathroom walls. One day when I went into the bathroom, I saw that they had installed a chalkboard above the urinals and people had written all kinds of crazy junk on it. When I asked the janitor what was up with the board, he said that since people were writing on the walls already why not give them a designated area to do it. When asked if it was working, he said, “Do you see any graffiti?” And I had to admit, I didn’t. This intervention is actually well established in psychology and is known as the paradoxical effect---prescribing the symptom, which oddly enough, can often extinguish the behavior. For instance, if I know it upsets you when I yell AND I WANT TO UPSET YOU, then when you tell me to go ahead and yell, it makes me not want to. Strange how that works, isn’t it?
Third, it doesn’t really matter what is actually causing someone to do something. We might never really know. Therefore, why not use an approach that just deals with the behavior in a constructive way without regard to how that behavior is created? People are often wrong about why people are doing something. Basing an intervention on "a theory" is not necessarily the best way to proceed. Channeling behavior in a more appropriate way does not require you to know why someone is doing something; it simply addresses the behavior in a rational, straightforward manner.
MANAGING DISRUPTIVE BEHAVIOR
Now to the meat and potatoes.
The same general principle can be applied toward temper outbursts and tantrums. We don’t need to know why a child is upset and we don’t always need to shut down the behavior; we simply need to direct it in a more appropriate direction.
Let’s work through this.
If you have a child that is prone to tantrums, the first step should be to teach them the “rules of the road.” What this means is that a child needs to know what is acceptable and what is not. And in dealing with tantrums, the most unacceptable behavior of all is simply the screaming and yelling. If you can deal with the screaming, then you can deal with the entire situation. It is virtually impossible to imagine a child that can quietly tantrum. Aggression and physical behavior is a grave concern, but again, if you can manage the noise, everything else will fall into place.
Let me make one note here. In the case of our child who was putting things in his mouth, this behavior, while bothersome, was not incredibly socially disruptive or dangerous. It was just not a good habit to engage in. And it was very easy to allow a continued expression of that behavior without much spectacle. However, tantrums fall into another category and are completely unacceptable in public. With tantrums, it is difficult to prescribe the symptom because it is unacceptable behavior in public and at school and most likely, that is where it will occur. In short, it is difficult to allow limited screaming because it is simply unacceptable behavior in the location where it is likely to occur. So, you have to prescribe an alternative behavior that is acceptable.
But first, the rules of the road.
STEP ONE
Teach your child what is acceptable behavior. Try to find a format of teaching that is acceptable to your child. If they like books, write it. If they like pictures, make a picture book. If they like videos, then make a video. For instance, our child loves to watch videos and television, so we use that medium as a way to teach him. I have created a version of the video that you are free to use or copy. The video we created to teach the rules of the road incorporates a number of concepts.
First, it is a yellow background using black font. Research has shown these colors have the highest memory impact.
Second, there is a lot of repetition involved. The same message over and over again. This reinforces deeper learning.
Third, it contains specific scenarios where the behavior is likely to occur.
Fourth, relaxing music accompanies the message. We want the message to be associated with a calming and relaxing state.
Fifth, alternative behaviors are suggested in the video. There are a lot of NOs, but then there IS something he can do. This is key as it allows and gives a MORE APPROPRIATE, LIMITED EXPRESSION to the behavior.
STEP TWO
At the first signs of a tantrum or meltdown, you kneel to the child’s level and make sure to make eye contact. Then you do the following:
1) You tell him or her that there is no screaming. Tell them to remember the video you watched.
2) Remind them that whatever it is that they are tantruming over can be dealt with or returned to later. For instance, if they are upset because you want them to leave a game or stop doing something, then assure them that they can return later. Do not promise an exact time unless you can fulfill that. It is better just to say LATER, but not give a specific time.
3) Divert their attention to any positive aspect of the next thing you want them to do or distract them to something positive along the way to that activity. For instance, if they wanted to keep playing ball, but are upset that it is now time to go and getting ready to tantrum, then tell them they can play ball later and that once they get home, they can engage in another activity they like.
4) Keep repeating the points above and repeat the ones that seem to have the most effect.
5) As a last resort, you can introduce physical punishment such age-appropriate spanking to the buttocks or a variant. See THE EFFECTIVE ADMINISTRATION OF PUNISHMENT
ADDITIONAL POINTERS
1) DO NOT CAVE IN TO THE TANTRUM. Once you have said it is time to go or cease the activity, cease it. Do not cave in or it will simply reinforce the behavior.
2) Stay firm to the three steps above.
3) If the steps don’t work and they lose control, TAKE THEM TO THE CLOSEST, LEAST DISRUPTIVE PLACE and LET THEM SCREAM OR CARRY ON UNTIL THEY CALM DOWN.
4) The SECOND they calm down, IMMEDIATELY PRAISE THEM FOR CALMING DOWN, BUT DO NOT RETURN TO THE PREVIOUS ACTIVITY FROM WHICH THEY WERE WITHDRAWN.
5) If you decide to use physical punishment, then you must be prepared to administer the punishment no matter when and where you are. If you have FOREWARNED the child and he or she knows the rules, then you have no choice but to administer the punishment then and there for all to see. This is why punishment is a last resort and must be taken as a serious commitment. Don't use punishment as an option if you are not mentally prepared to administer it effectively.
It is not the end of the world if a child has a meltdown. It doesn’t mean they are autistic or a bad kid; it simply means they had a meltdown. Everyone has a breaking point. Kids are no exception.
If the method of redirecting to a more appropriate expression doesn’t work, it is important to proceed with ISOLATING THE CHILD to a place that is AWAY FROM OTHERS and doesn’t cause a spectacle. Suitable locations might be the child’s bed, the backseat of a car, or an open space away from others.
If you consistently apply this method, the child will learn:
1) It is not okay to scream and yell (aka tantrum) in public
2) They get what they want if they act calm
3) They will not get what they want if they have a tantrum
And this is exactly what you want.
IGNORING a tantrum does not work BECAUSE IGNORING a tantrum will not be an option at school. Tantrums at school are a major behavioral problem that will trigger a whole host of other issues. Tantruming is one of those few behaviors that are simply unacceptable and have to be dealt with immediately.
One final point.
A lot of children who have a variety of developmental disorders and delays might not have a natural tendency to be like other kids their age. They might flap their arms, obsess over the smallest of things, make unusual eye movements, stare into space, fly off the handle, and not engage others. That’s okay BECAUSE THEY CAN BE TAUGHT “the rules of road.” They can be taught the right way to act even if it doesn’t come naturally for them. I am simply amazed at how adults can be completely inappropriate in so many ways and no one even thinks about it. Adults have to be reminded ALL THE TIME to be appropriate and it is not seen as anything other than that’s the way they are. However, with children, we are lightning quick to throw a label on them, pathologize them, and then see everything they do as a sign of something awful needing an intervention. What a terrible, terrible shame. Our kids might be quirky and a handful, but honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way because that’s who they are, that’s how they were made, and….and….they can be taught the rules of the road a lot better than adults can. Now that’s something to think about!
THE EFFECTIVE ADMINISTRATION OF PUNISHMENT
In addition to redirecting behavior to a more appropriate expression, you might find it necessary to implement physical punishment such as spanking. This is especially true if the other methods aren't working and the behavior is serious and needs to be resolved as soon as possible.
When it comes to behavior modification, the administration of punishment should be a last resort. However, if the behavior in question is of grave concern (for example, self-injurious or dangerous behavior such as running into traffic), then it might be appropriate to administer punishment.
Let me say that I do not normally advocate punishment for the very reason that it is rarely effectively administered and if it is not effectively administered, it does not work. So if the circumstance is such that the behavior is serious AND you are prepared to effectively administer punishment, then punishment might be the most appropriate and expedient course of action.
There is also one other downside to punishment in that administering punishment might change the nature of the relationship between the one being punished and the punisher, but if the behavior is serious enough, then perhaps that is a chance worth taking.
This is to say that if you punish me, our relationship might become a fear-based one, but then again, if the punishment helped me to modify a serious behavior, then perhaps it was worth changing the nature of our relationship.
FIRE: THE PERFECT ANALOGY
Some people stick their hands in fire, but most people don’t. Why? Because fire represents the perfect administration of punishment.
The three factors for the administration of punishment are:
1) IMMEDIACY
2) SEVERITY
3) CONSISTENCY
For punishment to be effective, the consequence has to be IMMEDIATE. There cannot be a delay between the behavior and the consequence, so, as in the case of sticking your hand in fire, the consequence is nearly instantaneous.
For punishment to be effective, the consequence has to be SEVERE. It has to be painful, unpleasant, and leave an impression. If it isn’t, it isn’t likely to be remembered. In the case of sticking your hand in fire, the consequence is the most severe possible.
For punishment to be effective, the consequence has to be CONSISTENT. In the case of fire, it never fails and burns you every time. It never caves in or gives you a break. It burns just as bad, just as fast, each and every time with no exceptions or leeway.
In addition to the three main factors, the child should be FOREWARNED that if such and such a behavior is done, it will result in the punishment. FOREWARNING is important, but given the situation, might not always be possible. However, whenever possible, FOREWARNING is a critical component because by behaving well and following the FOREWARNING, the child is rewarded by avoiding the punishment and the behavior you want is reinforced or technically, NEGATIVELY REINFORCED.
If a punishment (for example, age appropriate spanking to the buttocks) is administered with these three factors, it is being effectively administered and will work in quickly curtailing and stopping the behavior. However, if any of the factors are missing or not applied consistently, then it won’t work. This, in my opinion, is why punishment has gotten such a bad rap over the years.
Not because it doesn’t work, but because it is not effectively administered and therefore, it is not usually seen as effective.
A modern-day example of punishment can be seen by the use of caning in Singapore. In that country, certain offenses such as vandalism are punishable by caning. If you are caught vandalizing property, Singapore uses the principles (fast, severe, every time) regarding the effective administration of punishment and you know what? They don’t have much of a problem with vandalism.
The bottom line is this.
Punishment works and works quickly, but it must be effectively administered. And if you are not committed to effectively administering it, then you’re better off trying something else.
In our situation, the screaming has finally stopped.
We had to introduce physical punishment (spanking), but have only had to use it four
times in two weeks and not once since. It is
still considered the choice of last resort.
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